Relationships

Love_Hate_Relationship_by_madpimp350

Before I forget, let me recommend you a book by a sociologist called Zygmunt Bauman. The book I’m talking about is entitled Liquid Love: on the frailty of human bonds. Even if the title may appear to be kitsch/cheesy/obvious/shallow/self-help style, there is absolutely nothing in this man’s work that can be qualified with those adjectives.

Zygmunt Bauman argues in Liquid Love that in the consumer age, human relationships are caught between our irreconcilable needs for security and freedom. Stuart Jeffries fears he may be right:

We’re torn, as Freud recognised, between freedom and security, and Bauman’s book is about how we try to create a livable balance between the two. Those who tilt the balance too far to freedom, are often to be found by Bauman rushing for home, desperate to be loved, eager to re-establish communities. But that’s not to say that the liquid moderns want their old suffocating security back. They want the impossible: to have their cake and eat it, to be free and secure.

Sisyphus had it easy. The work of the liquid modern is likewise never done, but it takes much more imagination. Bauman finds his hero working everywhere – jabbering into mobile phones, addictively texting, leaping from one chat room to another, internet dating (whose key appeal, Bauman notes, is that you can always delete a date without pain or peril). The liquid modern is forever at work, forever replacing quality of relationship with quantity. (…)

We are inveterate shoppers and we insist on our consumer rights: love and sex must give us what we have come to expect from our other purchases – novelty, variety, disposability. In these times, even children become objects of emotional consumption, argues Bauman: the big question for liquid moderns considering having a family is this: can the investment in children be justifiable or is the risk-exposure too great? It’s very difficult for liquid moderns to find that there are things – the most fundamental ones – like families, love and sex, that don’t obey economic rules.

Take sex. We talk about sex endlessly and read manuals to give us the necessary information to maximise the return on our investment. Bauman cheerfully quotes a sex therapist: “Today everyone is in the know, and no one has the faintest clue.” We want sex to be more like shopping, for it to be transparent and easily gratifying. But, Bauman argues, it isn’t. We are trying to make it into a technique to be mastered. “Concentration on performance leaves no time or room for ecstasy,” he counsels.

You can read Jeffries’ entire review of Liquid Love here.

After the following pics (some of which are true, some of which are funny, others are sad or simply just didactic – click on them if you wish to see them bigger), I posted an old little joke on how men and women (and I suppose it can also be applied to same-sex relationships) expect each other to behave and act, but even if the joke is old, exaggerated and probably very stereotypical, it *is* somehow true😉 (and there are also serious texts after that joke, but please don’t let the size of this post discourage you :P)

  • How to make a woman happy?

It’s not difficult. 
To make a woman happy, a man only needs to be:


1. a friend 


2. a companion 


3. a lover 


4. a brother


5. a father


6. a master 


7. a chef 


8. an electrician 


9. a carpenter 


10. a plumber


11. a mechanic 


12. a decorator


13. a stylist 


14. a sexologist


15. a gynecologist 


16. a psychologist 


17. a pest exterminator 


18. a psychiatrist 


19. a healer 


20. a good listener 


21. an organizer 


22. a good father


23. very clean 


24. sympathetic


25. athletic 


26. warm 


27. attentive 


28. gallant 


29. intelligent


30. funny 


31. creative


32. tender


33. strong 


34. understanding 


35. tolerant 


36. prudent 


37. ambitious


38. capable


39. courageous 


40. determined 


41. true 


42. dependable


43. passionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:


44. give her compliments regularly 


45. love shopping 


46. be honest (white lies okay)


47. be very rich 


48. not stress her out


49. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:


50. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself 


51. give her lots of time, especially time for herself 


52. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT: 


53. to never forget: 
* birthdays 
* anniversaries 
* arrangements she makes

  • 
How to make a man happy?


1. Feed him up 


2. screw him  up


3. and shut up.

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No, seriously now…I think the following text is one of the best, most reasonable advice on relationships I’ve ever read:

On relationships (by Dan Millman)

“I don’t claim to be a relationships expert (so few of us are). Sometimes I think the extent of my knowledge can be summed up as: Men are from Sears, Women are from Nordstroms. Still, I’ve been around the track — married young, divorced after eight years; then married to Joy, the love of my life for over thirty years and it’s getting better all the time. Point is, I’ve seen the lows and the highs, the difficulties and delights of relationship, and I have a few perspectives to share.

Relationships prove that God has a sense of humor. After all, it’s difficult enough for any two egos to get along — but add to the mix some differing world-views and communication styles and voila! — we have the human drama. As the saying goes, “Women need a reason, men only need a place. Men use love to get sex; women use sex to get love.” Generalities, of course, but with grains of truth.

The demands of relationship — for compromise, sacrifice, openness, vulnerability — all provide a primary arena of personal growth. Committing to a relationship means losing face, feeling frustrated and downright incompetent at times. Committed relationships are a form of shadow work, seeing ourselves as we are — clearly and realistically. (How many of us, in the face of a relationship difficulty, have seen parts of ourselves we’re not too proud of?)

Mating is easy; intimacy is more difficult. The work of relationship is both humbling and humanizing — a demand to mature (or flee). Relationship calls us to let go of exclusive self-interest and move from “me” to “we” (at least some of the time). Relationship teaches us to forgive ourselves and one another.

Those who have difficulties with intimacy may favor disposable relationships — enjoying the initial fun and excitement, then leaving after the first big fight. Or “falling out of love” and moving on to the next wonderful person who, in a few weeks or months, no longer seems so wonderful after all. And serial relationships grow old after the fifth or sixth or twelfth time we get to know someone and tell your life story and run the usual numbers.

Our new love-interest may end up having the same flaws as the last one (especially if we’re seeking someone like Mom, or Dad, without realizing it). Or the new person may be blissfully free of the last partner’s problems, only to reveal a whole new set of issues. (All travelers carry some baggage.)

Some of us jump into a commitment with blinders on, basking in a romantic glow (love being blind and all). We discover that we love the same song or movie, but forget to explore fundamental compatibility questions about religion, children, aspirations, sex, values, politics.

Most of us are ready to mate long before we really know ourselves. We project onto our prospective mate our hopes and dreams and images, expecting them to fulfill our fantasies and change to suit us. Maybe you’ve heard the saying: “She hopes that he’ll change, but he doesn’t. He hopes she won’t change but she does.”

The years have taught me that the most important quality in sustaining a long-term relationship (whether male-female or same gender) is FRIENDSHIP. Over the long term, friendship is more important than sex; more important than ease of communication. (Marriage is a marathon, not a sprint. Sex and communication are certainly important at first, but won’t take you the distance.)

Friendship means you have each other’s back; you are in each other’s corner; you can be YOU with that person; you can go beyond role-playing or trying to live up to someone else’s expectations; you can speak your truth; you can listen as well as talk; you are elevated by that special person and you also lift their spirits in times of need.

True friends are collaborators, not competitors. They aren’t constantly comparing work-loads or weighing how much one brings to the relationship in terms of money, energy, work. (But if one of you is the driver and the other total hitch-hiker, it’s not going to last for long.) In a true friendship, you WANT to help, to give, to contribute, to support one another. That person’s happiness is as important to you as your own. Sometimes, even more so.

I once attended a traditional, religious wedding ceremony that began with a ritual: She carried her candle, the flame burning brightly, and he did the same. They came together, joined their flames and together lit a third candle, representing the joining of their separate flames. Quite beautiful.

But then they blew out their own candles. DON’T EVER BLOW OUT YOUR OWN CANDLE! You are both an “I” AND a “we.” You each bring your own resources, destiny, process and treasures into a relationship. This is the paradox of relationship. Two become one, but the stronger each one, the better the two are together.

Enrich one another’s life by keeping your own center, values, and interests. Continue to play a leading role in your life; don’t just become an extra in someone else’s. You come together to form a whole that is greater than the sum of your individual parts. So remain equals and respect one another’s individuality. Rather than total dependence or independence, strive for interdependence.

Our choice of life-partner is one of the most important we ever make. This doesn’t mean that we have to find “the perfect match” or “one true soul-mate.” Even the best relationships take work. So when a difficulty arises, you WORK THROUGH IT TOGETHER.

Some couples, however, are “working through it” nearly all the time — fighting and making up — one slams the door and walks out; the other goes ballistic. Or one walk on tip-toes to avoid making the other angry or moody. For such difficult relationships, you may need a third party to help you to stay together (or to go your separate ways, because commitment is not the same as masochism).

In choosing a mate, apply the Goldilocks Principle: Avoid someone too similar to you (no friction or growth) or too different (constant friction) in favor of someone who is different (and challenging) enough to keep things interesting.

Also, consider your partner’s relationship with his or her parents: If it is relatively open and close and friendly, that’s a good sign. If your partner never speaks with one or another parent (even with good reason) it’s a possible red flag. Bear in mind that (if you choose to marry) you are not just marrying your partner; you are joining that partner’s family (mother, father, close relations) as well. If that is nice news, you’re good to go. But if you have a serious problem with your partner’s family, you’ll have to deal with it now or later.

For most of us, relationship is a work in progress, always under construction, like a house or a life. Over time, you’ll build deeper levels of communication and intimacy, and freshly discover who you are, together, at each new phase of your lives — even as you make mistakes, learn from them, mature and evolve.

When you’ve formed a relationship you intend to build for many years into the future, nourish it as you would any growing thing: Remember to say “Thank you” and “I’m sorry” often — you’ll have cause to do both. Appreciate your partner out loud; acknowledge his or her skills and any small acts of service and kindness.

In this creative and sometimes challenging arena of intimacy, I have found both growth and Joy. I wish the same for you.”

taken from: http://www.danmillman.com/blog/

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On the other hand, one of the most stupid, vulgar, chauvinist and plain ridiculous advice on relationships I’ve ever seen (and of course this is just an example among many, and this type of advice has unfortunately been very common for too long!) – was, of course, voiced by a man😉 It’s a song called Pick Em-Lick Em-Stick Em (the lyrics, for non-native speakers, are under the video):

I was 15 going on 20 when I met up with the soul

man he was quite a lover of the cards and of the dice

and he had whores and he had ladies

he made love and he made babies

he could tell some damn good stories and give some good advice

you gotta learn how ta pick em son

learn how ta lick em son

learn how to stick em son

between the thighs

and you got to try not to beat em too much

try not to teach em too much

try not to feed em to much bull shit and lies

He sat down and poured some whisky

and he mixed it up with water

here’s a picture of my daughter

he would say and he would sigh

and he would drink and laugh a little

as he picked up that old fiddle

that same old riddle I never did know why

you gotta learn how ta pick em son

learn how ta lick em son

learn how to stick em son between the thighs

and you got to try not to beat em too much

try not to teach em too much

try not to feed em to much bull shit and lies

now the years I’ve seen him burried

his daughter and me married

I was sure he raised her right

an taught her how ta fuck

when i asked her what he told her

she’d said he’d never scold her

he would always hold her

but he never told her much

well, he told her men were plain and simple

told her love was like a pimple

once you squeez the juices out it just goes away

he taught her how ta hold on tighter and

taught her not to let men fight her

and then there was this poem he taught her on his dyin days

you got to learn how ta suck em daughter

learn how ta fuck em daughter

learn how ta take their money

and learn how ta cry

you got to try not to hold em too much

try not to scold em too much

try not to feed em too much bull shit and lies

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Curiously, I’ve just found out there is a Museum of Broken Relationships (yes, you’ve read correctly!) in Croatia:

The Museum of Broken Relationships (CroatianMuzej prekinutih veza) is a museum dedicated to failed love relationships. Its exhibits are personal objects left over from former lovers which are accompanied by brief descriptions. At first a traveling collection of donated items, the museum has since found a permanent location in ZagrebCroatia. In 2011, the Museum of Broken Relationships received the Kenneth Hudson Award for the most innovative museum in Europe.

You can find more information on this curious museum in good old Wikipedia… OR you can visit the museum’s Official website

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I’ve also found an interesting post on the so-called polyamorous relationships. Here goes an excerpt (you can read all the other very cool posts related to the subject “relationships” here – I haven’t read any yet, but I plan on doing that soon! I’ve also found a looooottt of texts on love/hate relationships here):

He says: Polyamory can mean a lot of things, depending on the situation. A couple may incorporate a third (unicorn) into their already-strong relationship, or one member of the couple may maintain extra-curricular “dating” relationships outside of their main one. Further, relationships could hypothetically span a wide range of people, each having their own bond with one another. The trend, though, is not toward stability.

Because polyamory is only starting to spread, I hesitate to make a general statement about it that might offend its staunch supporters, but alas, I must be honest. The only successful long-term polyamorous relationships I’ve seen have been triads that start out as a solid companionship between two people. Every other aspect of polyamory that I’ve seen has been fleeting and temporary. That isn’t to say that it can’t happen, but the lifestyle lends itself more to exploration than longevity.

Personally, the thought of kindling another relationship on top of the one I already have makes my palms sweat. Maybe I’d feel differently if Dorkys wasn’t such a handful. Who knows? As it is, I wouldn’t turn down the opportunity to flirt and play with others together with no strings, but franchising the relationship would stretch my resources too thin.

She says: My first thoughts when I hear about polyamorous relationships deal with jealousy. How don’t the people involved feel threatened? I’m sure it could work, but only if every link in the chain is safe, honest and checks their ego at the door otherwise girls will end up crying when he spends more time with one instead of the other. Or at least I know I would.

I also wonder how deeply they can all love one another in the initial stages. Where do they find the time and energy it takes to build something meaningful in multiple relationships? I know some poly people feel restricted by idea that once you fall in love with someone, you’re forbidden to feel the same for another person. I understand that, but at the end of the day, I like having my one go-to person and learning how to compromise and figure out the puzzle that is this sole relationship. Because I’ve no other choice (other than breaking up and finding someone else, of course), I’m forced to learn what makes him tick, what ticks me off and how we can become a better fit for each other. This isn’t to say other things are off limits, just that at the end of it all, we’d rather just come home to each other.

Still, it’s beautiful to see people pursuing and giving love with no qualms about what society deems appropriate or not and I admire their ability to put aside any insecurities to do so. The first time I attended one of their events, I smiled at the thought that everyone’s just trying to find what suits them and makes them happy whether it’d be for the moment or something long-lasting. It’s obviously not for everyone, but just because it’s not doesn’t mean it’s wrong.

What do you think about polyamory? What would it take for a consensual non-monogamous relationship to truly work?

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And finally…the best song by Erasure: I love to hate you😉 (again: non-anglophones, scroll down to read the lyrics!)

 
I’m crazy flowing over with ideas
A thousand ways to woo a lover so sincere
Love and hate what a beautiful combination
Sending shivers up and down my spine

For every Casanova that appears
My sense of hesitation disappears
Love and hate what a beautiful combination
Sending shivers up and down my spine

And the lovers that you sent for me
Didn’t come with any satisfaction guarantee
So I return them to the sender
And the note attached will read

How I love to hate you
I love to hate you
I love to hate you
I love to hate you

Oh you really still expect me to believe
Every single letter I receive
Sorry you what a shameful situation
Sending shivers up and down my spine

I like to read a murder mystery
I like to know the killer isn’t me
Love and hate what a beautiful combination
Sending shivers make me quiver
Feel it sliver up and down my spine

How I love to hate you
I love to hate you
I love to hate you
I love to hate you

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